Closet Fix: May 2012   

Thursday, May 31, 2012


It's hard to believe it's Thursday already. Thankfully, it's been really quiet these last few days and lord knows I needed the peace after the marathon of a weekend I had. Now, because I spent my time partying and gyrating like a lunatic pole dancer all over Manhattan, my body aches in places that I never thought possible. I'm not sure who I was kidding carrying on like that, since the extra five seconds that it takes me to go from sitting to standing is a clear sign that osteoporosis is setting in.
 It's a miracle I even made it through, because let's be honest I'm not the spring chicken I used to be. If I wasn't in denial about my geriatric status, I would've carried Bengay in my clutch instead of bronzer, which is so unnecessary, as it's dark in the club, and after a few drinks nobody gives a shit about my perfectly contoured face. But my knees, they could've definitely used a once over, since as my buzz wore off, I instantly regretted all my fancy footwork.    
I just should've stayed home and left all the hip thrusting to the young kids. But no, there I was dipping it low and picking it up ever so slowly to beat of any random song where some artist demanded that type of acrobatics. All that booty working just earned me an extra application of icy hot. Clearly, I'm too old for this shit, and the sooner I face the facts the sooner I can stop pretending that nonstop gyration isn't hard on my knees, let alone my back. 
Besides, I think the gig is up anyway. Before, I used to get carded, now they just wave me in like I have progeria. I mean is it that obvious that I'm the old broad in the club looking like somebody's mother or broken down older sister?! Maybe it's the aroma of Bengay that gives me away, and not the obvious crows feet that has attacked my face. 
Either way, it's painfully obvious that I'm not fooling anyone, and at this point it sorta reeks of desperation. So, before I embarrass myself any further or someone calls me ma'am one more motherfucking time, I'm gonna respectfully, and with the last remaining ounce of self respect, bow out of that life.    
From now on you'll primarily find me with all the other dinosaurs at mixers or lounges, where dreams go to die, and thrusting in any capacity is frowned upon, and thank goodness because I just can't do it like I used to. 
Enjoy your day! Thanks for stopping by<3

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


Thank you Sweet Baby Jesus! Summer is unofficially here in every way that matters. It's hot again and I'm kinda freaking out because that bikini bod that I should've been working on all Spring is not even close to being a reality thanks to the greedy carb loving, ice-cream enthusiast, veggie hating tapeworm that's taken up permanent residence in my gut.     
To make matters worst, they had the audacity to open the beaches ridiculously early on account of it being Memorial Day Weekend. Something about it being hot, and it would be a nice place to stay cool. I mean, I get the whole tryna prevent old people and children from dropping dead from an heat stroke angle, but what's more important, saving lives or preserving my delicate self-esteem.  
My vote's for the latter, since I'm not ready yet! I need a bit more time to go hardcore at the gym, wire my pie hole shut, or at minimum have that pesky tapeworm surgically removed. I already tried to put that little bastard on a master cleanse, and after a few days he went ape shit, as he just wanted to have a burger...with cheese...french fries...and a milkshake. I can't control him. He's too powerful.
And, with all that I have to deal with, fighting a losing battle against this beast within, they decided to go and open the beach to the public, all while pushing deep fried everything to anyone who step foot on the boardwalk. It's quite absurd, since I don't know anyone who looks even remotely sexy after downing a corndog with chilly cheese fries. It's just not possible.
Needless to say, I shied away from that little exercise in will power, and stayed away from the coast this weekend. Instead, I wore a maxi dress dress, paired with a belt, flat sandals, and headed to the spa. At least there they're not tryna shove you in a bikini and clog up your last good artery. 
They at least have the decency to get you naked and touch you up a little bit, which somehow distracts from the fact that your untoned, flabby, bulging body parts are visible to a complete stranger, who is absolutely wondering, how could anybody ever reveal such perkless tits to a stranger. But at least here you're getting some action, and if you're lucky the ending will be a happy one.  
Enjoy your day! Thanks for stopping by<3

Friday, May 25, 2012


TGIF, and it's a holiday weekend too!! Yesterday was the BF's B'day so the celebration has technically already started. Last night I drank wine like it was water, and woke up this morning wishing I was dead. In the moment it always seems like such a good time until you wake up with a sore bum hole in some strangers bedroom. In my case, that stranger was the BF, and fortunately my bum hole was intact..this time. 
I'm already doing that whole spiel about how I'm going to quit drinking, that this time is the last time, and I'm never drinking again, but who am I really kidding. I'll be heading out tomorrow, and shots of tequila just have an uncanny way of ending up in my hands...then down my throat, and next thing you know I'm doing my interpretation of dancing, and yeah it's bad, but I'll be wasted, and so I won't honey badger give a shit.
I'm pretty sure it's gonna go down that way. I just hope I don't go down that way. Tequila always has a way of sneaking up on you. One minute you're laughing, dancing, and giving high fives (Yes, I'm a high fiver), and the next minute, outta nowhere you're slumped over the bowl with one of your besties holding your hair back. 
It's quite shameful, yet the only consolation you have is that it wasn't coming out both ends, since that has happened before, and there were witnesses. I'm in a better place now, and I think I have learned to drink to a point where I can still maintain my bodily functions, and my dignity.    
Last night I was able to keep it together. At dinner, in my utility jacket, which I paired with skinnies, pumps, and v-neck tee,I drank just enough to get tipsy, but not so much that I wound up nude in a dark alley. If you're in the States, take that lesson with you through this festive weekend, because trust me, you don't wanna be that girl...again.   
Have a safe and fantastic Memorial day weekend! Thanks for stopping by<3
 P.s. Have fun, but remember don't drink and drive and be sure not to text while driving either. That's just stupid and dangerous.  

Wednesday, May 23, 2012


Happy Hump Day! It's Wednesday already and I haven't even fully recovered from the weekend. On Monday I didn't mention this, but last Sunday it was fairly warm out, so I decided to wear a mini dress paired with a denim jacket and flats to brunch. I thought I was looking good, dare I say sexy in the dress. Definitely doable and certainly deserving of a boner or two. So, I was feeling pretty good about myself.
All that changed when I saw my BF. Instead of the, "is that a pencil in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me" sorta reaction I was expecting, I got a scolding about exposing my labia to the public, which was pretty much an indictment of the length of my dress. According to him, it was too short. 
But, from my perspective, the dress was short, but tastefully so. Plus, it had a high low hem that almost guaranteed that my vagina stayed hidden. Now don't get me wrong, bending over wasn't an option for me. In fact, one false move and the mystery about the curtain matching the drapes would've been solved. So, to some extent the BF had a point.  
However, since I had no intentions of doing backflips or doing any thing other that walking upright, I opted to wear the dress despite the objections. Of course, because of the conversation, while I was out, I was super paranoid about my dress revealing too much to some innocent family trying to eat brunch after just coming from praising Jesus at Sunday Service. I mean the boners would've been inevitable.
That just didn't seem right. Besides, the whole eating with a hard on, seems uncomfortable. So, I held on to the hem of the dress as an added precaution, since I didn't want that on my conscience. 
Enjoy your day. Thanks for stopping by<3

Monday, May 21, 2012


Happy Monday!I went shopping this weekend, and bought a few things that I felt I needed, but if I'm being completely honest, I just really wanted for my Summer wardrobe. Believe it or  not, going to a store is actually a change of pace for me. 
 I love shopping, but recently, I've been doing most of it online. Given the choice between sitting at home in my ratty pajamas or having to go out and deal with pushy sales people, rude customers, long lines, or the dreaded fitting room, it's a no brainer. Online shopping is just easier. 
First of all stripping down to my skivvies in public is not my idea of a good time. I'm always paranoid that there are cameras strategically placed behind those mirrors to capture every unflattering angle of my backside, which subsequently will wind up on some lewd website catering to freaks with a sick fetish for half naked chics in bad lighting.
Not to mention, the entire time I'm removing my clothes I'm trying ever so carefully to do everything in my power to ensure that my perfectly coiffed hair and makeup doesn't get completely trashed in the process. So I'm exposed, contouring my body to fit through holes that are always too small for the bobble that is my ginormous head. Such an awkward sight. I couldn't imagine what my footage would even look like, much less what self respecting deviant would get off to that. But I digress! 
Just knowing what I was up against, I wore a vest paired with a dress and ankle booties. I made sure that I could easily slip the dress on and off without any issues. Best of all, I was able to just put things right over the dress without having to disrobe in the first place. If you've seen my backside you'd understand my precautions. That gem will not go viral if I have anything to do
with it. 
Enjoy your day! Thanks for stopping by<3

P.S - A winner has been chosen for the Michael Kors Giveaway Thank you to all who participated!   

Friday, May 18, 2012


TGIF!! I couldn't ask for a more perfect day. The weather is finally just right. Sorta like in Southern California. I'm talking temperatures in the low 70s, blue skies, sunshine, and low humidity! It's pretty amazing considering just two days ago 
the air was so thick in New York it was hard to breathe. Believe it or not, it was also high 80's, which when combined with the humidity basically means it was sweaty balls hot. 
Now, this might shock you, but I don't have balls. However, if I did, trust me there would've been water works. It was that hot, and silly me was wearing a cardigan, denim shirt, boyfriend jeans, and oxford flats, while everybody else might as well have been in the buff. The side eyes alone that I got said it all, and I have to admit I was a bit embarrassed. But, in my defense, the days prior to the pop up heatwave, it was cool and wet, so I don't think I was so off base expecting more of the same.    
Well, my rational be damn, because I was sweating and wishing I didn't use my common sense that day, and instead wore a bikini. Yes a two piece to be exact so my balls could breathe. Unfortunately, no such luck, and I had to go through the entire day with the indignity and my shirt sticking to my back.    
Of course I could've taken off the cardigan and received some semblance of relief, but the thought of messing up my look was blasphemous, damn near treason in my world. So, that prospect was more unbearable than having to endure the seasonably warm weather. If that's the alternative I thought, let my balls sweat! Sure at that moment it didn't matter anyway, since I was still a huge fashion don't. Trust me, they would've totally put the black strip over my face, and I would've deserved it. You just can't wear a sweater in 80 degree weather even if said sweater is yellow. You just can't.
Have a fantastic Weekend! Thanks for stopping by<3 

P.S- Only a few more days left to enter the Michael Kors Giveaway. Really! A few days! Btw, make sure that you review the rules to ensure that your entry is valid, and fingers cross you may just win:)The winner will be announced on the 5/20/12.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


Hey You! I bet you're thinking I'm embracing my girly girl side by donning this puffy floral number, but truth be told this is the best thing I could find to hide my shame. Under this skirt lies a six day old food baby. It was conceived during a drunken playoff game. Yes, I was drinking, and one thing led to another and the next thing you know I had not one, not two, but three hot dogs, AND a Goddamn cheeseburger. It all happened so quickly, and now four days later all I have left to show for my indiscretions is a small bump where my once somewhat flat stomach used to be.  
And since I haven't visited the porcelain throne lately (you know what I'm getting at), with every bite I take the little bastard is getting bigger by the day. I'm so mortified, because on a good day sans said food baby or God forbid a bloated period baby, I'm doing all kinds of contortions to squeeze into my jeans. Now, forget it until I birth this monstrosity, denim is not an option, at least not the skinny kind, which I'm partial to.  
It's quite sad.I wish I could say that it was a random one night stand, but I'm nothing more than a food whore. Honestly, I didn't even need the drinks, I would've totally inhaled it on my own. Luckily, I'm an old pro. When you've had as many food babies as I've had, you learn very quickly how to hide that shit, and go unnoticed. Let me tell you, flowy maxi dresses are your friends. A trapeze blouse, forget it, wear that and you'll never get a seat on the train when with child. No one will know. 
The puffy skirt, "what baby, I'm a virgin"! And for that reason I choose to wear my puffy skirt with a denim shirt, denim vest, and pumps. Best of all this little baby is high waisted. For all they know under here I'm a swimsuit model, and who am I to take that from them. That would just be cruel. If they think I'm a swimsuit model, I'm a swimsuit model, dang it!
It's brilliant! So, if you ever get caught up and carried away by the moment. Don't worry! You don't have to go hide away in some far away camp for harlots. Just whip out your biggest,fullest, puffiest skirt, and hold your head up high. Nobody has to know that you engage in food porn. Your secret will be totally safe under there. 
Enjoy your day! Thanks for stopping by<3 
P.S- Only a few more days left to enter the Michael Kors Giveaway. Really! A few days! Btw, make sure that you look over the rules to ensure that your entry is valid, and fingers cross you may just win:)The winner will be announced on the 5/20/12.

Monday, May 14, 2012


Happy Monday! You're not going to believe this! First, if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook this should be old news, but I know you're as excited as I am, so I just know you don't mind hearing this wonderful news again. Right?! As for everybody else, OMG, the most amazing thing happened to me on Friday! I was named "Chic of the Week" on LaurenConrad.comYou would've thought I won the lottery the way I was running around screaming and giving high fives to everybody. 
After about an hour of various renditions of my happy dance, which more resembled a full on seizure, I could tell by all the side eyes and screwfaces that someone wanted to slap the shit outta me followed by many F and B words, I'm sure. I was really having a moment, because for so many years, and even to date I totally style stalk LC. 
Style wise, she gives me a total fashion boner,and it's gynormous! I'm talking porno big. For me Lauren Conrad has always been one of my fashion inspirations. It's cheesy, but true nonetheless. I'm sure you have one too. I just hope it's not some train wreck. But I digress. I just like the way Lauren Conrad can do sexy, stylish, trendy, all while being classy, polished, and anything but trashy. It's so effortless, and I've always admired that.  
Don't get me wrong, throwing on a prostituion whore get up is pretty effortless too. Tight, short, done. But, I'd prefer not to be mistaken for a hooker when I'm in the grocery store. Sorta awkward to say the least. Rather than have to deal that sticky situation, I gravitate towards a more pulled together look, which Lauren does so easily. 
So, you can imagine, to be recognized by one of my favs for the very thing I admire about her, sends me into complete happy dance mode or convulsions depending on who you ask. Either way, there's movement, and count on it being super fast! Even as I'm writing I can't help but smile, and I can so feel a dance coming on. 
Enjoy your day! Thanks for stopping by<3
P.s- Only a few days left to enter the Michael Kors Giveaway. The winner will be chosen on 5/20/12.